def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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