It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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