So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
im on a boat
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