Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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