So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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