i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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