he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
