i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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