THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
