Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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