I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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