...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
