I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
