I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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