yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
