Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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