In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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