I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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