I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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