You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
