I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
