Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
