I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
