ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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