I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
