Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
