I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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