I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
