hell yes lets make some ravioli
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
