whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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