My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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