the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
