I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
