i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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