You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
