Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize