meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
