found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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