Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
