dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Randomize