someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
