I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
