well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
