It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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