wanna go halves on a baby?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
