i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
