what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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