the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
