So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
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