a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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