thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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