you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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