Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
