I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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