My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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