I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Randomize
