It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
